Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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