Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
