You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My liver just broke up with me...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
