i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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