There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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