my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
