You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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