Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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