Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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