Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
