i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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