Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
