as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
