So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
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BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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