tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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