hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
