Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
