totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize