my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
