Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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