I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
