My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
