Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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