Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
