There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
In America we eat man semen.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
