I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
