Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
