I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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