Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
