my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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