I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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