idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
