Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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