I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
