oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.