You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
