remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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