When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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