ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
