Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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