Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
