I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
