i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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