I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
