I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this beer tastes like vomit already
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
