if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the condom got lost in my hair
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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