umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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