The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
