He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
should my penis look like a turkey
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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