watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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