Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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