The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
