You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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