imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Shame - the story of my life.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
