im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
